The Secret Meanings of Emoji

Yes that’s a penis.

Recently I was blasting Carry on my Wayward Son, that classic rock ballad by 80s hair band Kansas, and a young colleague of mine exclaimed: “Yes. That’s a BOP!”

I cocked my head to the side. Hit mute on my keyboard.

“A… bop?” I said slowly. Everything I say comes out slowly before my 4th cup of coffee since I turned 30.

”Yah, you know. A bop.”

My head remained askew. Ear nearly touching my shoulder pad. I blinked.

“A song that really gets in your head and has a really good beat.”

Immediately I understood.

“Ah. We used to call that an ear worm.” I sighed heavily and stirred my Metamucil.

Times change. Words change. Especially in English speaking countries. DYK (kiddish for “did you know”) that English is the only language which each year adds more words to its dictionary than it removes due to disuse and obscurity? Lol. Omg. Troll. They’re all in there. Eventually, the dictionary is going to include emojis- or as we used to call them back in the MSN/Yahoo chatroom days “emoticons”- in that big book too. Yeah, cringe all you want but it’ll happen. You can mark my words with this praise-hands emoji: 🙌🏼

Here’s the rub: until that fateful day folks who still cannot grasp the concept of a “meme” are at a loss to decode the mysterious off-label uses of many popular emojis. It’s therefore my pleasure to share with you the hidden meanings of emoticons. Let us begin.

💦 Supposed to be: rain/wet

What it is: Lady-rain/lady-wet. Ie, natural lubricant.

🍆 Supposted to be: an eggplant

What it is: a penis. Straight up, this is a dick and has only ever been a dick.

🐓 Supposed to be: a rooster

What it is: a penis.

💆🏼‍♀️Supposed to be: person getting a massage

What it is: I am Magneto. Make way for mutant kind or you will be destroyed.  

👯‍♀️ Supposed to be: OMG we’re twins!

What it is: we cannot live on this earth simultaneously. One of us must be sacrificed to assure the survival of the other.

👼🏽 Supposed to be: a sweet baby angel

What it is: why does your baby have mutton chops?

👤 Supposed to be: unknown person/could be anyone

What it is: I’m outside your window.

 😾 Supposed to be: angry cat

What it is: my vagina is mad at you and will bite if you’re not careful.

🧞‍♂️ Supposed to be: a genie

What it is: Disney has RUINED my childhood.

🌭 Supposed to be: a hotdog

What it is: a penis.

🔋Supposed to be: a battery

What it is: Hey let’s go lick batteries in the Costco parking lot so we can feel something again.

🍑 Supposed to be: a peach

What it is: a bum.

🧘🏽‍♂️ Supposed to be: a person meditating in the lotus position

What it is: I hate myself but I want you to think I have my shit together.

🥖 Supposed to be: a baguette

What it is: a penis.

🍌 Supposed to be: a banana

What it is: a penis.

🦴 Supposed to be: a bone

What it is: ….

Fuck it.

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